TV!

An excellent portrait of how TV has changed itself and all else in 20 years!

Retronym of "Follow"

Shared on social network by a friend that I was "following"!

Now I am thankful to the friend and Jesus to have provided a reminder of what "follow" used to mean by default! :)

Childhood notions

As the reality that I am a father sinks in, I find myself frequently in conversation about children, childhood and their notions. The fact that there is an army of children under four in my extended family only makes this even more frequent.

My niece is a non-stop talker! As she gets home from playschool she keeps rattling things apparently related her own experience at school that day. What she speaks about is anyone's guess. But one thing can be said for sure. What she speaks about is always unrelated to what she does while talking. Almost as if she has two brains that work independently. One for speaking and another of everything else!

She sometimes says "You always speaking, no eating that why I keeping standing!" and sometimes she says "woh nai chahye" (Hindi for "I don't want that). When I ask her what she talking about, she says "That is my friend at schools. She speaks in Tamil"

Come to think of it, my own childhood memory tells me that I was no different. There was a time I believed that there are only three languages in the whole world. Tamil, Hindi and English. And there are only three religions in the world. Hinduism, Islam and Christianity. Hindus speak Tamil, Muslims speak Hindi and Christians speak English. Real simple!

I have also believed that men are of two categories, the ones with mustache and the ones without. The ones with mustache smoke and the ones without it don't smoke. So, if anyone asked why my dad never had a mustache, I would have likely answered "Because he doesn't smoke! The day he started to have mustache, he would automatically start smoking!"

World of an Indian Cartoonist

I have been following the blog "World of an Indian Cartoonist", the blog of a self-taught cartoonist whose has seen good reception recently. His recent cartoon on the world record setting tennis match between two unknowns in the Wimbledon is specifically very funny. Posting it here with due credits!

Seinfeld

Oh the work is loading today. Its not just loading it is so damn boring simultaneously. On top of it there is this annoying TV serial in which one visibly cruel lady wants to do all the bad things in the world to a lot of people around her who can't deliver a dialog well. (May be they deserve it!)

I badly wanted to laugh and started browsing for quotes by comedians. I tried Jim Carrey, but then I remember Seinfeld. How could I forget him. And boy did I laugh! Here are a few of his!

• I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?
• Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.
• Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
• Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built"?
• Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
• You can measure distance by time. "How far away is it?" "Oh about 20 minutes." But it doesn't work the other way. "When do you get off work?" "Around 3 miles."

But this is the best one! I was just laughing with tears fill I can't bear the cramps in my stomach!

"I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it. Can't eat it. Can't taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, "Well, here it is. You can't have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye."

Meal out of movie stars

Everyone loves to make a meal out of movie stars. But this one takes it to a more literal sense.

Priest, Vodka and Holy shit!

It has been sometime since I had a laugh that replicates well on a blog post. But this forward from a friend who sure does filter what he forwards meticulously, sure qualifies! What an entertainer! Enjoy!

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous
and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not beat his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'Take this and eat it for this is my body.' He did not say 'Eat me'.

12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the
Cherry'.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's not a peter pulling contest
at St.Taffy's.

Animals and friends!

A friend and colleague of mine recently became a member of Toastmaster's club in my office. For the unaware, once a member one is supposed to deliver a series of talks refining each aspect of communication skill with every talk. The first one, the ice breaker, is always a talk introducing oneself and providing a brief personal history to the rest of the club.

What she said (hopefully didn't intend) during the course of her speech got me to thinking on "what I really am!". She said.

"I like animals a lot. I like to surround myself with animals. Ask my friends!"

...and I sit next to her at work!

CRASH!

I get lost in thoughts so much that I am famous among my friends (at least those who I currently live with) as one who mouths and gestures to himself while alone. But I reach new heights if I make official visits companies representing my company.

Recently I had been in Qualcomm, Bangalore to support a design release. The avid coffee drinker in me prompted me for a cup while working on a head-scratching behaviour of our company's software. I opened the glass door to reach the pantry and my gesturing started while I waited for the coffee. I must have taken the coffee after it filled up and started walking. CRASH came the sound and the next thing I remember was that about 10-15 people were staring at me as if they were 5-year-olds lost in a strip club - horrified and confused at what had just happened. I was standing there with a small lump on my forehead, all the coffee on my brother's neatly pressed formals. (I don't pack my shirts when I go to Bangalore!), a stupid smile on my face that my mom would usually describes as "a monkey that had just tasted ginger". Lost in thought, I didn't notice the closed glass door in front me and almost walked right through it!

As if to prove the stupidity that my face wore, I asked the only person dared to walk up to me to help, "Was this door closed?". He had to let out the giggle he was suppressing till then when he said, "Yes, it closes automatically. You probably didn't notice". I thanked him for the help and walked to my cube as I rememebered my visit to Wipro last year with a sense of deja vu!

7 Habbits of Highly ineffective people.

Hey All,

I just came out of yet another thrilling Toastmaster Session and I was the Joke-Master of the day.
As a joke master I was supposed to make audience laugh and I chose to use " 7 Habbits of Highly ineffective people. "

It went pretty well, so thought to share the write up with you all too.... Here you go...

Joke Master : TM session 23

I am sure you’ve all read or at least heard about seven habits of highly effective people as explained by renowned writer Steven R Covey.

But I am not sure if you’ve also heard of 7 habits of highly ineffective people by even more renowned writer – TM Shashi. So today I’d enlighten you by those 7 habits of highly ineffective people.

Seven habits of highly ineffective people.

1.) The nosy habit.

Its simple, the people with nosy habit believe that there is a hidden treasure inside their nose and hence try to explore it whenever they get time to.

People do this when they nervous but I do this every time I get nervous and its only when I;ve found some treasure that I realize that what I was doing ?

If you follow cricket, one player who strongly believes in the treasure in the nose is Sourav Ganguly, you can often find him doing this [ Finger in the nose] and the cameraman has to take the focus off immediately. The worst thing about Ganguly is that he also does this after the nosy act. [ Put the same finger in mouth to bite nails ]

2.) The second habit of highly ineffective people is “The ultimate itch” ,

People with this habit exhibit excellent itching sense.

There are types of itching – I don’t know itching – Head.

I don’t know but I am pretending that I know itching. – Chin.

I did not take bath itching – Underarms and chest.

And the socially unacceptable – the sachin tendulkar itching.

3.) Better late than ever. Habbit.

They think that “Being late is glorious” and hence they would always come late. If there is a meeting at 3PM, they will enter at 3:20PM.

Now its not their mistake that they think being late is glorious. Because it is.

Suppose Harish is taking up an all hands and all the employees are listening to him, and this highly ineffective person enters just 30mins late, what will happen , - everybody will look at him and even harish will look at him.

Nobody would have even noticed this poor chap if only he was on time. Of course – being late is glorious.

4.) The fourth habbit is – pretend you know everything.

You can ask such people anything you like – and they will act like encyclopedia for you.

Do you know who is Michael Schumacher ? Of course, I know her.

Do you know what is a software ? – Dude – what do you think am I wearing?

Do you follow IPL ? Of course I follow IPL and Germany is my favorite team.

5.) The fifth habit is that they think 5=7.

you see these were the 7 habits of a highly ineffective person.

Waaaazaaaaa!

Nivikar or as I am used to calling him "Nirvignam kurme deva" (NKD) was in a thoughtful mood as NKD, Aish and I started walking towards the noisy road that would take us eventually to work. "Why are you in a thoughtful mood now?", I asked. But then he didn't respond. However, my mind got preoccupied with what I just said so fast that even if he had responded, I would have cut him off! :) Or may be he did respond and may be I did cut him off! Anyway, who cares! :)

"Hey have you heard that S**d**ji joke?", I asked them and continued without waiting for an answer. "So, a S**d**ji was taking an English exam and after a hard-fought 3 hours, he came out satisfied that he did well. A friend of his asked
"How was the exam?".
"Did well this time!", he replied, "However, there was one question that I am not sure about."
"What is that?", asked his friend
"The question was, 'what is the past tense of the word Think?"
"Well..a tough one I suppose, what was your answer?"
The S**d**ji replied "I thought..thought..thought and wrote 'Thunk'

NKD, I think, still didn't react
Aish replied, with a characteristic expression of his "Haa haa Waaaaaazaaaaa!" and did a Hi-fi!

Disclaimer: No offense to any body belonging to any particular group. Its a joke and emphasis is placed only on the "Thunk" word and no other word.

Community Service

Ok, Excellent posts so far !!!
Hats off to all contributors. i'll contribute one of my all time favorite - Poke ( Practical Joke ;) )

Just like any one of us, Mr. Dingu is also inclined to serve the community and help others.
I met Mr. Dingu to see how committed he is for his community service.

If you've 2 televisions, would you donate one to a poor family ? , I asked.
Yes, of course replied Mr. Dingu.

that's great, if you've 2 cars, would you donate one to any NGO in need of one ?
Sure, answered Mr. Dingu.

Ok, if you've two cows, I am sure you'll also donate one Cow to a farmer in need ?
No !!! came the answer in a splash, to my surprise.

But Why ? you seem to be so generous, I inquired in awe.
Mr. Dingu calmly replied,

"It's because, I neither have two cars nor have 2 televisions, but I do have 2 Cows !!! "

Roll over!

"Ha ha ha", I laughed out aloud to the surprise of a passer-by, as I was walking on the street holding the thin, yellow "Treasury of jokes" by Reader's Digest.

Moments earlier, lazy to flip the pages from the beginning, I chose to read the last joke from the last page which read.....

Patient : "This hospital is no good. It treats us patients like dogs"
Orderly: "You know that's not true. Now, roll over!"